home birth and love that grows
Ezra was born on Friday 10th July at home at 7.14am, weighing a lovely 7lb12. I’d had on and off mild contractions for a few days before, and since I was already 8 days late, by the time my contractions started getting more intense and close together following my third sweep, I was more than ready to get going! Throughout the “latent” phase, I calmed my nerves by listening to the hypnosis tracks you sent, and using clary sage, lavender and jasmine aromatherapy oils my midwife provided for me. I spent some time on my birth ball doing some ‘induction’ exercises to get things moving as I was starting to feel excited and ready to move, but remembered to listen to my body and obliged when it needed rest and fuel.
As things ramped up I unfortunately struggled with a lot of sickness just as my contractions started ramping up, which continued throughout labour. Without knowing this was a normal thing my body was doing to ‘make way’ for baby, I would have really panicked as I hate being sick more than anything. If anything, having an understanding/education around the different things I might experience throughout labour really helped me feel calm in the hard parts, in fact that was the most valuable part of the whole hypnobirthing course, because the midwife support doesn’t really take you through it in the same detail, they will answer questions but you wouldn’t know to ask about half of it! I also see value in having a more holistic perspective of labour and birth, instead of the medical side of things. Being empowered to make decisions about my birth, body and baby really mattered to me when I realised I actually have that control.
When my contractions got longer, even more intense, and the adrenaline was shaking my whole body uncontrollably, that’s when my breathing techniques and positive affirmations came in handy. My favourite, and to be honest, only one that my brain could think up was ‘my surges are not stronger than me, because they are me’, this reminded me that I was in control, it wasn’t happening ’to me’, it was me birthing my baby. My body knew what it was doing and my baby knew what to do. At that point, I felt I could ‘breathe, release, let go’, and that’s when those words really hit home for me. Visualisations also helped hugely - each contraction reminded me of running up a very steep hill with my thigh and abdominal muscles burning as they ‘worked’ and moved, and then i distinctly remember a point where the contraction would start to subside and the relief was like rolling down the other side of the hill - like I did as a child - using this ’story’ to focus on was a really nice way to get through most of the contractions.
The gas and air was a huge help, because I massively underestimated my pain threshold! At the time i remember thinking I should have opted for more, but now I look back with pride that I did it without anything else and didn’t take the additional ‘risks’ that come with other pain relief methods (although put me back in that zone and I’d probably say differently!) I felt momentarily inadequate that I couldn’t simply ‘breathe my baby out’ like some women can, and that I needed anything at all when I’d done so much work to calm myself, but I think we all need to get through it somehow!
He was predicated to arrive around lunch time, but my surges were so strong and doing so much ‘work’ that he arrived 4-5 hours earlier, which should tell you something about the intensity of my labour! But a funny, and therefore lovely and positive thing I remember about the gas and air was that at one point I felt so high I told Jay (my partner) I was on a green dragon, flying through the clouds. I don’t know if that counts as visualisation, but it was a nice distraction from the intensity!
When I eventually got into the water, the warmth was soothing and I felt weightless which helped naturally with the pain, but it wasn’t long until I needed the gas and air again. I’m starting to forget a lot of the experience now, but I remember some contractions in the pool being so hard that I couldn’t even lift the gas and air to breathe it in! So in a way, I did the hardest parts naturally, but in some ways I look back and remember it being an ‘out of body’ experience, where I could hear myself screaming (and at one point wondering if I was pissing off the neighbours so early in the morning!) but it didn’t feel like me! A lot of ’trauma’ came from that and it’s taken me a while to come to terms with the pain I went through, it’s been weirdly hard to let go of, but I’ve just decided to file it away under another amazing thing my body has done. Sometimes a positive birth experience doesn’t have to be how you live through it in the moment, but how you reflect on it later on.
Ezra was born at 7.14am and I remember the immense relief and complete halt my body came to when he was out. I’m not sure what I expected at that point but I remember just feeling relieved and surprised that the intensity and pain had stopped and I was just in the pool holding this fresh, tiny, beautiful little person! I held him for a while, until it was time for him to have skin to skin with his Daddy. The rest became a bit of blur. It was time for the placenta to come out and I birthed it standing up out of the pool. I then remember the midwife holding my tummy and a gush of bloody pouring out of me. I remember asking ‘is this normal’, they said yes, but it didn’t feel normal! The next moment I was lying on the sofa, being checked for stitches, and then taken into the bedroom. I was so drenched in blood that in my exhaustion I just wanted to hose it off in the shower before getting into bed but my body was weak and had another idea. I ended up losing too much blood and collapsed on the floor. The amazing midwives took me back to the bedroom, brought me back round, and I was soon taken to hospital.
It was a shame as I’d opted for a home birth because Covid had put me off the hospital, but it was all fine in the end and the care and support I had from the hospital staff and midwifery team in St Ives was incredible. I had a midwife or feeding support worker come over every day for the first couple of weeks, and referrals to support such as mental health and birth reflection teams, which I’m yet to have an appointment for, but knowing I’ll be able to really process it at some point is like a light at the end of the tunnel.
The support I/we had from family - particularly Jay’s as my family live up country - has been astounding. His sister was there as my honorary ‘doula’, as she’d had 3 home births for her children, she said all the right things to make me feel empowered, ‘you’re like a goddess!’, helped Jay with filling the pool, and kept the cat company (and out of the way as she would have loved to explore the birth pool!) She also filmed and photographed the moments where Ezra was born and I think it’s beyond amazing now to be able to see it from the perspective. Jay’s family also did a mammoth clearing up job so the house was clean and cleared of the blood and other gunk, so I wouldn’t have to come home to it and Jay could focus on looking after Ezra and I, instead of worrying about cleaning the house.
Despite all of the drama, trauma, and scary blood loss, the one big silver lining for me is that everything that could have gone wrong only affected me, and I’m proud that I was strong enough to take it. Ezra wasn’t affected at all, and he was born perfectly, healthy and happy. That’s all that really mattered to me. He was able to stay with Jay and me in hospital, and I had skin to skin with him in the ambulance, so that bond wasn’t lost. If anything, I wish I’d done more prep work for the fourth trimester. The first few weeks post birth, with everything I went through, were the hardest weeks of my life. Establishing feeding was really hard, and I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed without the support I had as I really struggled at first. The hormones and sleep deprivation destroyed me! But we got through it together with family support, lots of bonding, the amazing St Ives midwifery team, and the joy of holding our perfect little boy.
One thing I will mention is that I didn’t get that huge rush of love/oxytocin when he was out. I just didn’t feel it. With the exhaustion, and relief, I was just so glad it was over and the intensity had completely gone. We didn’t know the gender so we were surprised to find ourselves with a boy too! So there was a bit too much shock to the system to really feel it all. But I know that some women don’t feel that rush, and maybe take a bit of time to come to terms with what sex their baby is. I don’t want to say it was disappointment, because it wasn’t, but we were so convinced it was a girl, and we were ready for that, and to end up with a boy was equally lovely, but it took a while to ‘accept’ it and let go of the old vision I had of my baby. However, the bond we have, the love and, not just acceptance, but excitement of him being a boy is growing every single day. Skin to skin and breastfeeding have definitely helped that, and looking into his big gorgeous eyes and seeing his features change every day are all just so amazing.
The love is something that grows for sure. My health visitor put it this way: “some people fall in love with their significant other just like that, and claim it to be love at first sight. Other relationships take time to grow and develop. It’s the same here!” I think there’s a fear of not falling instantly in love with your baby, and I was worried about it all through pregnancy. I now I’ve experienced it along with the birth I had, and the ‘fourth trimester’, I don’t think I’d have it any other way! (Well, maybe less blood loss and no hospital trip!) But having a love that grows with bonding is just as meaningful and wonderful. It’s hard for the first bit when you’re not sleeping and caring solely for this little creature you don’t really connect with yet, but I’ve realised all those feelings and the trauma is temporary. What’s left and what will last is this lovely little person you get to mould into someone that brings happiness, laughter, love and joy into the world. That’s what matters to me. :)
